Why Do I Keep Attracting Raggedies?
I was pointing out to one of my single clients how her selection of men had a consistent negative pattern. Since her profession is in finances, I used a banking analogy to clarify my point.
Here’s a bit of what I shared:
There is a difference in the mindset of a person who manages their money solely at the currency exchange, versus growing their money at a bank. Although resources and other factors may play a part, often the “currency exchange mentality” has been conditioned by what someone saw their parents and neighbors do. Yet, it’s one of the absolute worst ways of handling your finances. Why? In a summary, banks see the value of storing your money, so they pay YOU. Currency exchanges see the value in your ignorance or lack of choices, so you pay them.
Like currency exchanges, there are people in relationships who will take advantage of you because you were rejected by your options, don’t know your options, or are afraid to pursue your options. The only thing modeled to you was dysfunction - fussing, cussing, cheating, lying, leaving, withdrawing, hitting, addiction and enabling. It feels perfectly normal for you to invest your heart in that type of relationship. That doesn’t mean you don’t feel the sting of multiple losses of yourself and your dignity, but you’ve learned to manage them. Your years of experience in dysfunction allow you to keep on allowing people to chip away at all the valuable parts of you until you find yourself emotionally broke once again. The faces may change, but the situationships are identical.
Learning to manage a healthy relationship is imperative.
Here are 4 things you must learn and practice in order to experience a wealth of love:
1. Healthy relationships require boundaries. In many low income neighborhoods, you will find a currency exchange on almost every major corner, while rarely finding a bank. The fact that something is easily accessible doesn’t mean you have to choose it. Set boundaries on where you will go to access love and stay within those parameters.
2. Healthy relationships require self discipline. You can’t keep allowing raggedies to leave your heart in overdraft because of your impulsive emotional expenditures.
3. Healthy relationships require knowledge. You may not have been fortunate enough to have had parents who taught and modeled how to grow love for a lifetime, but it’s still not an excuse to stay “Love Broke.” Get help to learn how to heal and love better.
4. Healthy relationships cost. Banks have fees too, but often they are hidden (ATM, low account balance, etc). The difference is that when you learn how to wisely manage your transactions, you can greatly reduce fees. Mastering relationship skills like communication and learning positive ways to relate, helps reduce resentment, bitterness and contempt. Forgiveness, grace and mercy shouldn’t be a daily fee you’re required to pay because you’re constantly acting badly.
If you want to stop choosing raggedies, you must change your mindset. Resist the “currency exchange mate” (the raggedy, the taker). They draw you in with bright neon signs, but once in, the signs on the walls lists the unreasonably high prices you’ll pay to receive their love. Remember, you will always walk out of a currency exchange relationship with less than what you brought in. Choose wisely who will handle your heart.